May 27th, 2010
One of the biggest news stories in recent days has been the final episode of “Lost,” the epic TV show of the past six years. Infused with symbolism, each weekly story focused on several characters who were struggling with problems in their lives that culminated in the disastrous plane crash that brought them together on a mysterious island. Many viewers, like me, followed the series to witness the characters and their evolution as they encountered a blend of mythical and sci-fi images and challenges.
“Why,” you ask, am I writing about this TV show when my blogs are about grief and the impact of loss on our lives? It’s because I saw similarities between the ‘Four Pillars of Identity’ I presented in my book, The Five Ways We Grieve, and the issues these people were grappling with as they tried to adapt to the strange and uncomfortable new environment on the island.
First and foremost, these characters were survivors of a major traumatic event — just as the loss of a loved one is a painful and life-altering event. Many of the survivors confronted their own sense of mortality as a result of their experience. Then, as the stories of each individual emerged, there were questions about time– how long would it take for rescuers to find them? As they gradually grasped the reality of their living together for survival on the island, leaders emerged with various values and priorities that both helped their adjustment and also presented conflicting views of what was important to survival. Finally, everyone had to figure out where they fit in relation to the others and where they fit in this weird new world.
Ultimately, as I present in my book, each survivor faced the daunting challenge of creating a new identity — sometimes better, sometimes worse — than their former ‘selves.’ In doing so, each person was searching for meaning about life and death.
Millions of viewers have been offering their unique interpretations about what “Lost” was trying to tell them. In the coming weeks, I will share my thoughts about each of these issues, and how they contribute to our own feelings and beliefs about loss and grief.
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May 19th, 2010
I gave a presentation today to a group of professional colleagues interested in updating their knowledge of grief and loss in order to help their clients deal with loss more effectively. Most people still believe in Dr. Kubler-Ross’s research that proposed ‘five stages of grief’ as the way the dying and the bereaved adjust to loss. These stages included denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.
Since her landmark study in the late 1960s, many thanatologists (who study dying, death and bereavement) have found that survivors react very differently to losses than those who are dying. They have to “go on” with life, living without their loved one, adapting to a world that is changed forever.
My own research found that the survivor’s view of the world can alter dramatically. Their assumptions about their mortality, time, priorities and values, and how they see themselves fitting into the world may be re-evaluated. During a painful yet necessary period of transition, which can take several years, survivors may have emotional “ups and downs,” engage in spiritual exploration, and evaluation of their beliefs and values. During this process, grievers may feel lost; however, as a mental health professional, I know that it is in this “transition” between the ending of one part of ther life and the beginning of a new phase, the hard work of grieving must occur.
I believe my colleagues had a richer understanding of the grieving process as well as the critical role they play in helping survivors through the essential transition that leads them to a new beginning with a full and meaningful post-loss life.
Are you lost in transition? Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about it.
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May 11th, 2010
A client I met with this week was bemoaning the fact that she had “lost’ three children in the past three weeks. Two were the children of acquaintances: The first one was a five-year-old boy who drowned after wandering into the pond behind his parents’ home. The second was a twenty year old woman addicted to drugs who died of an overdose.
The third young man, however, was the friend of my client’s twenty-one year old stepson. He had introduced him to her just the night before. They went off to “party” on Saturday night – which involved drinking themselves into a stupor topped off with prescription drugs such as percocet, a powerful prescription pain killer. They stayed over all night. His friends say he fell asleep – they heard him “snoring,” and left him alone all night. When they awoke in the morning, the friends realized he wasn’t waking up and called 911 to transport him to the hospital. He was pronounced dead on arrival.
My client was outraged. She lost her beloved 28 year old son who was a drug addict who tried unsuccessfully many times to get sober. When he experienced anaphylactic shock, his friend rushed him to the local hospital where he succumbed after waiting for hours in the emergency room. One year later, she grieves her son and says: “I am sick of this. Too many kids are dying.”
Accidents among children and teenagers cause too many deaths. Parents are left behind to try to make sense of senseless incidents. They are challenged to live in the world without their children. Life will never be the same. They will never be the same.
I welcome you to share your stories about how your loss changed you.
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