July 6th, 2010

As I thought about the layers of meaning in the “Lost” series, one of the final questions was whether the survivors felt they belonged on the island. Many of the survivors wondered why they were there, whether they wanted to stay or leave as fast as they could. One of the mysteries was about John Locke, who regained his ability to walk after the crash. Another was what Kate was accused of, and whether she was guilty. The sideways stories in the last year showed how their lives might have been different and where they were would have ended up living their lives.

Although the answers to these puzzles ended with many different interpretations, the one constant conclusion was that their unique experiences on the island changed them. By the end of their stories, each had grown and changed in ways they couldn’t have anticipated. Each had discovered new parts of themselves, new ways of seeing themselves in the world.

The final ‘pillar of identity’ I identified in my book, The Five Ways We Grieve, was how loss influences our relationship to the world. Where do we fit now? Most survivors seek a sense of belonging after losing a loved one, because they feel alienated from their previous way of living. Suffering other significant losses, like divorce or losing a job or career can have similar effects. Oceanic plane crash forced its survivors to adapt to a foreign environment, and surviving there led many of them to discover a new way of being in this strange new world. Those who survived successfully, were transformed into people they may not have become otherwise –some became wiser, more sensitive to others, while others let their baser instincts guided them to seek power at others’ expense. Obviously, Jack became the hero of the series, realizing that saving the island was his mission in life, even if it meant dying to do so.

The point I am making is that when we experience any serious life-altering event, our sense of ourselves and our identity is challenged. Those people who adapt often find themselves transformed into a different person with a new sense of what life is about and where they fit in the world. Grief experts describe this as the “unsought benefit” of the tragedy.

Can you think of ways that a tragic loss in your life has changed you?